Getting back to Center

It has been a long time coming, but tonight I finally made it to the Meditation Center I had been meaning to check out for over a year. I got there a little late because I had to feed and change Penelope beforehand, but I was immediately welcomed with smiles when I arrived. We went through some stretches and breathing exercises first, and then the teacher monk came in and guided us through visualization meditation.

First he showed us a diagram of the 6 stations of the mind (the sixth being at the Center of the body; the resting place of the mind) and explained to us how to focus on and draw our minds inward and down to center. He asked us to visualize a pure clear crystal sphere, filled with light just above the navel, and asked us to observe it. He talked us through some visualizations and then we began silent meditation.

It was difficult for me at first to quiet my mind. It was the first time I had left Jed to put Penelope down to bed, and it was nerve-wracking for me. Even though I knew I had done everything I could have done up to the point of rocking her and putting her in bed. After a few minutes though I was able to let go of my anxiety and focus on the tip of my nose (the first station of the mind). Once I had steadied my mind there, I slowly directed my mind through the other stations to Center. It was an interesting sensation to have my mind dark and quiet through the first five stations, and then to reach Light at my Center. I felt myself sort of slowly sinking (though not unpleasantly) and then all of a sudden there was this bright spiraling light in my mind's eye. At the same time I felt heat radiating out from my belly. The sensation was so startling that I forgot to just observe and my mind shot right back up into my throat and stuck there. It literally felt as if the crystal sphere was lodged at the base of my tongue, and it was hard to swallow. My mind rubberbanded between my throat and my Center a few times. It seems interesting to me now that my mind should stick at that station in particular. I know that I hold my tension and stress in my shoulders and neck, but I have also lately been feeling blocked from expressing myself fully, and my words have been more harsh (especially with Wyatt)...

The monk said it was very important not to force the mind to center because the mind will want to resist, but then also not to be too soft and drift off to sleep. He said it is important to observe your Center, your Light, and be attentive to it.

During the times when I was able to attentively observe my Light I felt my heart and my crown chakras being very weightless and open. I felt a direct connection to God.

There is no other way to describe it. I know that some of you will read this and roll your eyes, but right now I am unconcerned with that.

Lately I have felt so hungry, and yet food has been unable to sate me. I am not exaggerating when I say that my soul was starving for connection. So often I feel that the connection needs to be made with another person - namely the one person who I have chosen to make my life with. Unfortunately a connection of this sort has seemed nearly impossible lately. Tonight reminded me that He sustains me. That where the physical world fails to come through, He always does. When I get back to Center, I always find God. Tonight, my soul was fed.

The monk gave us homework: Ten Items of Meditation Homework. There are two items which I particularly like right now:

1.) Take one minute of every hour to focus on the Light at the Center of your Being.

2.) Make the world a nicer place to live in by smiling and "speaking in an endearing way". (Don't you love it?)

I hope to go this next Tuesday again, and as often as life allows, but I'm not going to starve myself again. I plan to practice a little every day - if only for a minute an hour.